I recently had the misfortune of traveling to El Paso, Texas for work. I had no vehicle on account of a wrath of God hail storm that demolished windshields across the city. Trapped in my airport hotel, I did what I usually do — After that, I like to take an aimless stroll and see what happens.

I remember as a child when my grandmother would fix me her authentic Kung Pao spaghetti. I’ve never been so sad to see a “Coming Soon” sign, although I have feeling that Hector has come and left.

This sign is clearly missing one more important word, which I can only assume has fallen on some poor handicapped soul that parked underneath it.  As it stands, I enjoyed pretending that this was an advertisement for a primetime hospital drama starring talking animals.

Doesn’t say “qualified radiator repairman” so much as “not only will I steal your radiator, I’ll probably kill you for your socks”. I wonder about the marketing meeting where someone felt honesty would be best conveyed by a shady character with a ballcap pulled down over his shifty eyes. I’m also confused by their choice of font which appears to have been left over from a Chinese restaurant sign.

This was the only park I passed. It was built with a Quality of Life bond. I wonder if the bond included the airport strip club behind it. Yeah, you can’t see the strip club. But trust it’s there.

I was baffled by this vending machine for the local paper. “Some get it and go,” it claims. I was more intrigued by the people who get the paper and don’t go anywhere.

I instantly fell in love with this sign for an apartment complex. For one thing, they compare affordable housing to gambling. I want to be a part of whatever crooked backwater El Paso card game involves me winning with not only two aces, but two aces of the same suit. And the diamonds are black! BAM! I just won a shitty one bedroom apartment. Next to the airport. In El Paso. In Texas.

How do you show that you’re money? By using $ signs instead of the letter ‘s’. It appeared this gambit failed as there was a huge padlock on the door crushing my dreams of finding out what happens inside. My best guess: A Dave and Buster’s style strip club. Or was that my dream?

There’s must be something funny here.

Here’s an over the top Texas Ranger vehicle wrap in which joining the Texas Rangers is the same as joining the Air Force, the Army, and a 4-H Club.

And finally, the hotel I stayed in boasted zero decorations except for the occasional poorly placed wall hanging of books. No titles save one. French. Because that’s classy.

I first saw this sign at five in the morning running to Heathrow airport.
Six months later, it still makes me chuckle.

Vince Neill of Motley Crue at O’Sheas on the Vegas Strip.

Plastic red sleds on New Year’s combined with no light, unsafe speeds, and a 30 pack of merriment equals awesome.

Nick and Jay getting ready to dive into the bowl.

Maggie and Jason in “Classic Tourist Pose #8″

Nick crashing in the woods

Nick is getting really good with his new camera…

RIP MOUSTACHE
DECEMBER 1ST, 2007 – DECEMBER 15TH, 2007
YOU BROUGHT JOY AND CREEPINESS TO ALL OUR LIVES

Begin communication breakdown with outside world…

This is what bored looks like in Wyoming.

About this time of year, I always wonder, “What yearly theme is the Mitchell Corn Palace up to?”

You’ve never heard of the Corn Palace?  It’s a building covered in corn, with corn murals and corn designs, like this amazing rendition of a corncob fireman as he unsuccessfully attempts to put out a simple corncob car fire with a stream of corn.

If you never thought of corn as a sexy art medium, just take a gander at black corncob dress teacher as she teaches her corncob class how to figure out the diameter of a corncob circle.  I do like that even in the A+/100% world of corncob elementary schools, young corncob delinquent Jimmy on the left has a complete disinterest in this corncob utopia, and is the most likely suspect in the corncob car fire above.

Here’s some more everyday heroes done up in corn.  A corncob doctor and a corncob sick child, and my favorite, an unemployed corncob guy who hangs out at the diner all day nursing a bottomless cup of corncob coffee.

The only question that remains after taking in this awesome spectacle is:
If this the outside of the Corn Palace, what wonders will be revealed inside?

The answer is half a dozen kids playing basketball in an old gymnasium.
What a letdown so I went to Dairy Queen and had ice cream for breakfast.

This is some busted down farm in the middle of Wisconsin and the Largest Jolly Green Giant Statue In The World.
I am heading home to Montana.

Here’s what I’ve been up to for the last few weeks.

I went to New Mexico

Hiked a volcano with Karie and Java

Drove out to Arizona for a few days

Made it home for Thanksgiving in time to terrify this small child

Also, Karie and her friend lit some candles on fire and put them in my ears and sucked out the wax.
It was awesome.

 ”I think we should do Vito tonight.”

That is a quote heard live on the streets of Iowa City.  They were talking about a local bar, which of course, I had to visit.  It’s everything I expected.  Bad eighties music, trashy college girls, and shame.

Also, some of you were have been wondering what the AXE promotion is all about.  I believe this picture answers all those questions:

After two weeks in Milwaukee, it’s good to get back on the road, enjoying all that America has to offer.

Like tonight, for instance. A dude got tasered right in front of my room. He’s running, there’s this electric zing, and he hits the ground, cops pigpiling on top of him. His quote: “I’m done. I’m done. I’m done.”

Awesome.

It’s no secret that I love Milwaukee aka Beer City.  How can you not love a city that has a bar with a cigar chomping baby.  And it’s open for lunch.

And if that wasn’t enough, here’s a priest blessing a dog!  Because that’s what happens at the end of a Dog Parade.  You get your dog blessed.  By a priest.

Finally! My pics from Europe are live on the InterWeb.
Get ready for photo vomit! Click on any picture.

Inside, you’ll find…

Art!

Culture!

High fashion!

Dozens of girls I don’t know standing on really old stuff!

And a Bulgarian guy holding a kitten with a broken leg….Adorable!

For the first time on the Beyonce tour, I got starstruck when I ran into Alan Thicke in the hallway.  I wanted to say something clever about Growing Pains, but all I did was shake his hand, mumble some nonsense, and run away.

Anyway.  Finished with the show.  Here’s the one and final shot of me working the red carpet.

Here’s one of my staff members. She’s going to be in Playboy.

Central Park on a sunny day is a great place to do nothing at all.

My favorite seat at a Beyonce concert.
That expression on my face is joy twisted by twelve hours of dealing with the management at the Boston Garden.